Diaz's Fuck Fest XIII
Diaz's Fuck Fest XIII was the thirteenth edition of the biggest event in SvR06, held on April 15, 2017. The main attractions of the show were DEFAULT defending the World Heavyweight Championship against The Shark, Hulk Hogan and Samoan Joan teaming up against Linda Hogan and Chris Jericho for the rights to Hulkamania, The Rock squaring off with Batista in a Tables match, Dynamite Derek going one-on-one with The Undertaker. __TOC__ Background In the past year, you would be hard-pressed to find a more dynamic competitor than DEFAULT. After the heart-wrenching events of last year's Fest, DEFAULT searched for his own place to fit in once again. This mindset, along with some prodding from Ric Flair and Mark Jindrak, led him to make a drastic decision and go through with radical gene therapy. This procedure drastically altered his appearance and completely erased his characteristic abnormalities. This new lease on life wasn't all it was cracked up to be at first, as DEFAULT was bested in a series of matches with Jindrak. However, as time went on, DEFAULT subtly began increasing in mass and even sprouted horns larger than those that had been removed. This increased strength proved beneficial, as DEFAULT would go on to win the 30-man Laugh Like Pee-wee and defeating Mark Jindrak to retrieve the World Heavyweight Championship at Hulkamania Hullabaloo. On that same night, The Shark defeated five others to earn a championship opportunity in the main event of Diaz's Fuck Fest XIII, solidifying the main event for the monumental event. Two of the most recent holders of the gold, both bonded by their association to Walter P. Wiley. Walter admitted that he always knew The Shark would make it to the main event of the Fest, which was why he sided with him in the first place. But he had hoped he would never have to see DEFAULT's face on the opposite side of that Fest ring again. Walter noted that The Shark only lost the World Title at Laugh Like Pee-wee because he was outnumbered, and that DEFAULT only won the title that night because of it. He continued by saying that ordinarily, DEFAULT wouldn't stand a chance against a blood-thirsty monster like The Shark. But he realizes now that DEFAULT has that same thirst in his eyes. Apparently before he was in Walter's employ, The Shark was used as a test subject and donor for an underground medical experiment. By an act of pure fate, DEFAULT was the recipient of The Shark's genetic material and has been increasingly reflecting similar qualities as time has passed. With this new revelation, the World Champion has been absent from the public eye in order to take part in some much-needed soul-searching. Knowing what he's becoming, DEFAULT would presumably want to have the effects of the procedure reversed, even if they meant giving up the abilities that likely had a big part in getting him back to this point. Will the horned hero be true to himself if it means potentially defending his title at a disadvantage or will he enter the main event of Diaz's Fuck Fest XIII by succumbing to the beast within him, the reflection of his opponent? This remains uncertain. What is certain, on the other hand, is that The Shark has never been pinned or made to submit since splashing onto the scene. Regardless of DEFAULT's choice, will he be able to achieve what nobody else has been able to do one way or the other? In the past year, amidst a hailstorm of controversy, the name Hogan was rarely uttered over SvR06 airwaves. That was until the annual SvR06 Awards, where it was promoted that Hulkamania would ride again. However, as the familiar tune of Real American flooded the red-and-yellow doused arena, Linda Hogan entered the ring and announced that she had legally obtained exclusive rights over the entire Hulkamania property. On top of this, she announced her position as assistant guest commissioner for the first-ever Hulkamania Hullabaloo. At that event, Chris Jericho faced off against Trish Stratus in a battle of the sexes that culminated in Y2J submitting Stratus with the Walls of Jericho. To show further disrespect to his opponent, Jericho reapplied the Walls to Trish before she was saved the godfather of Hulkamiania, Hulk Hogan. After telling Jericho to pick on someone his own size, the Hulkster claimed that he was back to reclaim his namesake from his estranged wife. Linda Hogan admitted that she was glad her ex-husband was back to trot around and steal the spotlight because all it will do is give her more royalty checks to cash. To further humiliate Hulk, she introduced her business partner: Nick Denton. Linda admitted that she was the one who obtained and leaked the infamous Hogan tapes because she knew it would inevitably make him vulnerable enough to finally take everything he had left. With nothing left to lose, Hulkster challenged Linda to a winner-take-all match for Diaz's Fuck Fest XIII where the winner would win exclusive rights to Hulkamania. Linda rejected the offer, noting that she wasn't a wrestler and that she certainly wasn't going to give her former husband the satisfaction of stepping into the ring with her. Instead, she suggested that Hulk face off against the man whose business he stuck his nose in. Chris Jericho would then proceed to ambush Hogan, attempting to enact some revenge from their previous encounter. As he was beginning to lock Hogan in the Walls of Jericho, Arrested Developmental's Samoan Joan came to his aid. Jericho stood toe-to-toe with her, but ultimately backed down. Samoan Joan told Jericho that she was somebody his own size that he was more than welcome to pick on, and told Linda Hogan that maybe she'd feel more comfortable stepping into the ring with another woman. At Diaz's Fuck Fest XIII, for the very first time, there will be a mixed tag team match with Hulk and Linda Hogan's respective teams competing for the exclusive rights to the Hulkamania property. While Linda Hogan's lack of in-ring experience may come as a hindrance to her side, the added presence of Nick Denton at ringside could prove to work in the favor of her and Jericho. Will Hulk Hogan reclaim the keys to the kingdom that he built or will Linda Hogan continue financially capitalizing on the legacy of Hulkamania? During a recent interview, The Rock was asked about his upcoming cinematic projects when he was ambushed by Batista. Disgruntled Dave would follow up on his despicable actions by voicing his disgust with the fact that The Rock is heralded is Hollywood's hero. Batista was offended after he was offered roles that he was told The Rock had turned down, leading him to realize that he had to be more proactive in proving that he could sell more tickets than the Brahma Bull. The Rock would come back to confront his attacker, suggesting that maybe the reason why Batista is playing second fiddle to The Rock is because he's a knockoff, an off-brand, a lite version of The Great One. Frustrated even further, Batista declared that he had to knock The Rock off the people's pedestal and prove why he's the true blockbuster between the two. He realized that this meant that he would have to do so by beating The Rock at Diaz's Fuck Fest to the point that The People's Champ could never step into the ring again. Hollywood headliners collide at the biggest event under the sun in a marquee match-up for the ages. The superior performance won't be awarded by an Oscar, but rather a victory on a stage that dwarfs the Hollywood sign itself. Will Batista prove that he is truly greater than The Great One or will The Rock continue to show why he's the most electrifying man both in the ring and on the big screen? In recent weeks, whether it was desired or not, Dynamite Derek has been assisted by the sinister shadow of Kane. Speculation led many to believe that the pattern would continue during the his Elimination Chamber match against five other hungry contenders. However, when the arena fell dark during the conclusion of that match, they were returned with the familiar sound of a gong and with Dynamite Derek laid out by his unseen attacker. Dynamite demanded answers, feeling that he had been robbed of returning to the main event of the biggest show of the year. The demands were answered by the resurgence of The Undertaker. The resurrected Deadman attributed his absence to a long, dark sleep that displaced him from the world of the living. In that time, as he would elaborate, Kane's soul wandered in search of a dark power source that was equal or greater than his own. Kane's soul would unknowingly become inherited by The Dark Luminary, and the demonic soldier of darkness has been by his side ever since. Which would bring Undertaker to his purpose for taking Dynamite Derek's opportunity to challenge for the World Heavyweight Championship. The Phenom wanted to prove that he is still the greatest force in all of SvR06, and felt that he had no choice but to prove that in victory against the challenger to his throne. Dynamite Derek accepted this showdown without hesitation, owing The Undertaker for his intrusion on his dreams of winning the title in the main event of the Fest for two years in a row. Undertaker left Dynamite with the ominous message that SvR06's resident hero may have embraced darkness as his ally but he wanted him to understand that he is darkness personified. Dynamite Derek has made a career out of overcoming the odds placed before him, but the years of battling against adversity may have been mere practice compared to overcoming a power as dominate as The Undertaker. Who will prove to be the true darkest force in all of SvR06? The Dark Luminary or The Lord of Darkness? Since the betrayal by Walter P. Wiley, Brock Lesnar has been focusing all his attention on becoming World Heavyweight Champion in spite of him and The Shark. In the Laugh Like Pee-wee match, Lesnar entered with the full intention of forcibly removing The Shark from the match. However, his plans hit a snag whenever he was shockingly eliminated by a blindsided attack by Ricardo Diaz. With both individuals entering the Elimination Chamber, as well as Diaz's partner The Kingpin, many speculated that the duo could run the table had they worked cohesively. As receipt for Laugh Like Pee-wee, Brock Lesnar swiftly eliminated both members of The Kings of Crime from the Chamber. With neither party headed to the championship match, Diaz challenged Lesnar to settle the score at the Fest. Lesnar told Diaz that he would fight him in any kind of match he wanted and that he would wipe his ass with his stupid Hawaiian shirt. This was exactly what Diaz had hoped for, and he told Lesnar that the kind of match they would have would be a Handicap match featuring The Kingpin. Over the course of the following weeks, Ricardo Diaz would employ the best mixed martial arts coaches his money could buy in order to transform his partner in crime into the ultimate fighting machine. Being only two percent body fat, as well as his rough-and-tumble upbringing, Kingpin's transition into the fighting style came naturally. But Diaz had to keep reiterating to his partner that he couldn't fall victim to the allure of the flashbulbs and attempt one of his high-risk Six-Star King Splashes. Brock Lesnar will have his work cut out for him at Diaz's Fuck Fest XIII. Not only will he have the cunning Ricardo Diaz to worry about, he'll have a potentially equally-skilled opponent in The Kingpin to contend with. Can the Sultan of Suplex overcome the lopsided odds or will Lesnar rue the day he crossed The Kings of Crime? As Mark Jindrak was paving his road to becoming World Heavyweight Champion, Kurt Angle was starting his journey back to the title. Ever since, these two have continuously brushed shoulders throughout their long and winding road to Diaz's Fuck Fest XIII. At Dr. Meinheimer, Angle's team defeated Jindrak's team to prevent the then-Money in the Bank carrier from entering the Laugh Like Pee-wee match. After the Mark-Out Moment Maker used his opportunity to become champion, the presence of Kurt Angle at ringside played a role in the untimely demise of his newly-christened reign. Naturally, Ric Flair and Mark Jindrak blamed the Olympic gold medalist for keeping him from the top. Jindrak realized that the only way he was going to ever have a chance of reaching the apex once again was if he took Angle out of the equation entirely. Jindrak would later blindside Kurt and apply the Figure-4 Leg Lock. Early reports suggested that Angle may have suffered ligament damage in his knee, but this wasn't going to keep the grappling veteran down. The wounded warrior informed Jindrak that he wanted to finish things between them at Diaz's Fuck Fest XIII. Initially, Jindrak rejected the challenge. But when Angle applied the ankle lock on Ric Flair and refused to release until it was accepted, Jindrak caved. However, he and Flair took it a step further by suggesting that the two match holds in a Submission match. Two legacies of submissions colliding, but as Flair pointed out, Jindrak is the new model while Angle is vintage. The goal is simple. Squeeze the will from your opponent until they have nothing left to give. Unfortunately, with the master of the ankle lock entering this contest at a disadvantage already, submitting one of the greatest mat technicians of all time could already be an inevitable moment for Mark Jindrak to cross off his list. After suffering an injury that cost him months of his career, J-Pac's perspective on high-risk in-ring styles changed dramatically. His new outlook would evolve into a extremist crusade against those who inspire other athletes to take greater risks in order to achieve success. After Mick Foley counted the pinfall that allowed Ben Unhinged to defeat J-Pac in a Hardcore match, the Hardcore Legend became the source of the majority of The Infinity Kid's criticism. After Foley cited excessive disrespect as a reason to keep J-Pac out of the Laugh Like Pee-wee match, he was shockingly run over with a car upon arriving for the event. While it was never revealed who was truly responsible, Foley returned that evening and cost J-Pac a victory in the Laugh Like Pee-wee match. J-Pac's continuous lambasting of the blood-thirsty culture surrounding the hardcore style eventually drew the attention of Terry Funk, and the two squared off in a match that J-Pac promised to out-wrestle Funk in. However, as Funk continued to thwart his opponent, J-Pac snapped and brought the match to an early conclusion with a brutal steel chair assault. Seeing his mentor brutalized like this, Mick Foley returned to SvR06, still feeling the effects of the run down. After criticizing J-Pac's behavior towards his hero, he was interrupted. J-Pac shared a story about seeing Foley compete when he was younger and how inspired he and everyone else was by him. So inspired that a good handful of them wound up in the hospital for trying to defy death like their hardcore hero. Not only did J-Pac credit Foley for taking years off of his career, he claimed that Mick's disregard for his opponents and his audience killed more careers than he ever created. He concluded by adding that taking a man like Foley out of the industry would help him and others like him provide for their families throughout long and prosperous careers. This outraged Foley, who began to express a more explosive side of himself. He claimed that he spilled his blood all over the world for his family and kids, and that J-Pac does what he does for nobody other than himself. He continued by stating that if he can't make him understand that, then he's going to have to make him bleed for his family at Diaz's Fuck Fest XIII so that maybe he'll understand why he did the things he did for a living. Foley concluded by saying that he wasn't sure if it was being hit by that car or if it was seeing a legend like Terry Funk bludgeoned with that chair, but something in him that was long dormant has been awakened. Come the thirteenth Fest, he will leave every ounce of humanity at the door and let Cactus Jack get behind the wheel. J-Pac told his opponent that he'll be ready for him, because after all, he provided the inspiration all those years ago. In a battle that is guaranteed to not be for the faint of heart, J-Pac will be forced to unleash his darker side in order to contend with the twisted and deranged Cactus Jack in an anything goes Hardcore match. J-Pac's war on hardcore has reached a boiling point, and its bloodiest battle yet goes through the greatest hardcore wrestler of all time. Chance's desire to reunite with the Intercontinental Championship proved successful. Nevertheless, this wasn't enough for the gold-encrusted champion. Chance wanted to add the World Heavyweight Championship to his collection. Granted that the title match had already been determined, the Intercontinental Champion was the first to throw his name into the hat for the Money in the Bank Ladder match. This drew the attention of Ben Unhinged, who felt that Chance had more than enough gold already. This prompted The Absolute Madman to state his interests in competing for the coveted briefcase as well. Recently, Drew Thunder has been entangled in a conflict with his doppelganger The Red Head. Despite his attempts to unmask his opponent and free him of his internal rage, the self-proclaimed objective Red Head managed to escape his The Master of Drew-Jitsu's efforts via countout. Looking to move on from this encounter, The Red Head set his sights on the Money in the Bank contract as well. Unfortunately for him, Drew Thunder had similar aspirations, which led Red Head to suggest that he was nothing more than a copycat. Personal issues aside, this assortment of competitors will assuredly make this the most star-studded Money in the Bank match in Diaz's Fuck Fest history. With former champions and new challengers alike, who will be able to call themselves the new Mr. Money in the Bank? As the year began, Carlito brought his longtime friend Chavo Guerrero to SvR06 and reunited the tandem known as El Muchachos. Meanwhile, The Mullet Club have been running roughshod over the entire tag team division due to their years of experience and strength in numbers. At Laugh Like Pee-wee, El Muchachos defeated The Shithouses and The World's Greatest Tag Team to become the first-ever holders of the Tag Team Money in the Bank contracts. Shortly thereafter, the two announced their intention to use their opportunity at the titles at Diaz's Fuck Fest XIII. Hulkamania Hullabaloo saw the World Tag Team Championship defended for the first time inside the Elimination Chamber, where the members of The Mullet Club displayed signs of dysfunction despite their clean sweep over the challengers. Carlito and Chavo viewed this as an opportunity to shift the momentum in their favor by claiming in an interview that Scott Steiner was the biggest physical and mental hurtle to overcome in their title match. Macho Man took exception, stating that they weren't going to ruffle his feathers by trying to suggest that he wasn't the smartest member of the team. This rubbed Big Poppa Pump the wrong way, and he countered by claiming that his in-ring style was just as neurosurgical as it was physiological. Scott Hall desperately tried to play the role of peacemaker between his teammates, but the two egos were far too out of hand to control. Up to this point, The Mullet Club has operated as a well-oiled machine. However, with this wedge driven between them by El Muchachos, some maintenance may be required before their three-on-two championship defense at Diaz's Fuck Fest XIII. Sheamus may have ceded his status as United-continental Champion when he was defeated by Chance for the Intercontinental Title, but the United States Championship still remains securely in his possession. Without a conclusive opponent for Diaz's Fuck Fest XIII, the champion was confronted by Nateflix and the ranks of SPOOK. The figurehead of the omnipresent organization set his sights on the gold, seeking to symbolize the onset of SPOOK's global domination. This challenge drew the attention of Wrestler: Unstoppable, who has been attempting to track down his ladyfriend Lita after she was kidnapped by SPOOK. The Secret Agent Man said that everywhere Nateflix went, he would be there to stop him. This also drew the attention of Wrestler: Unstoppable's ally Big Show, who offered to supply backup in taking down SPOOK while setting his sizable sights on the title as well. With all of this commotion about who was challenging for the United States Title, Muhammad Hassan made it clear that his fight to liberate the championship from foreign rule was far from over. Among all the ruckus emerged a familiar jet-black chicken, synonymous with "The Watcher" Wing. As the Intercontinental Championship was last year, the United States Championship will be on the line in a Sinister Six-way match at Diaz's Fuck Fest XIII. With many competitors in the match looking to get their hands on each other as much as the title, it's sure to be a battle of unlimited potential. Rey Mysterio, through his infinitely conniving ways, managed to cost Just Christian a chance to become Cruiserweight Champion for the third time. At Hulkamania Hullabaloo, Mysterio's appearance at ringside led to Just Christian being counted out and Daivari being named the rightful challenger for the championship at Diaz's Fuck Fest XIII. Sticking to their story that they've never officially met, Mysterio and Daivari staged their first-ever confrontation with one another before their title bout. However, before they could pretend that things were about to get ugly, they were interrupted by Commissioner Barkley. Barkley sarcastically informed the two that he appreciated their competitive spirit, but felt that due to the controversial conclusion of the number-one contender's match that both Daivari and Just Christian were suitable challengers for the gold. In the days leading up to his match at the thirteenth Fest, Mysterio would present footage of each of his successful title defenses leading up to his 16-month Anniversary Extravaganza the night after Diaz's Fuck Fest XIII. However, the highlight reel was ultimately sabotaged by Just Christian with repeated footage of him defeating Mysterio at Laugh Like Pee-wee. Just Christian will have his opportunity to do so again at the biggest event of the year. But with Daivari present as well, this Triple Threat match will more than likely turn into a two-on-one scenario. Will Just-ice be served, will Mysterio's undying reign as champion live on once again, or will Daivari's loyalty to success take priority over his loyalty to his alleged associate? Results Diaz’s Fuck Fest. Traditionally, it’s a night of jubilation. Of celebration. But on the thirteenth edition of the storied event, a dark cloud shrouded the outdoor arena and left a slew of fallen heroes in its path. On the pre-show, the calm before the storm, Arrested Developmental hopefuls Ken Kamikaze, Justin Gabriel, Most Valuable Primate, Juan Slomo, and Kaz all headed to the ring to try their luck at winning the Rising Star Cup Battle Royal. The field was rounded out by the returning Paul London, who had been out with an injury at the hands of Justin Gabriel. Alas, touchdown brought him around again to find Gabriel standing across the ring from him. Ultimately it was Juan Slomo who managed to outlast his fellow rising stars and seize the cup, no doubt making a compelling argument for a championship opportunity in the near future. Backstage, Kurt Angle was ambushed by Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas. No doubt a targeted attack ordered by Ric Flair, the duo assaulted Angle’s previously-damaged knee, putting more uncertainty in his ability to compete against Mark Jindrak in their Submission match. In the ring, Damien Sandow was lamenting the fact that the Hardcore Champion was not only sidelined for the main show, but that he wasn’t even placed in the battle royal. When he speculated that it was because he was the most hardcore man in the building and that officials might fear that he would seriously injure somebody, Rob Van Dam headed to the ring to initiate a match for the weathered title. After introducing the Intellectual Savior to his educated feet, Van Dam ascended a ladder and splashed Sandow through a table to become the new Hardcore Champion. The show opened with Commissioner Barkley introducing the special guest assistant commissioner for Diaz’s Fuck Fest XIII, “Stone Cold” Steve Austin. The Texas Rattlesnake sped to the ring on his custom ATV before making his first ruling for the evening, which was that Walter P. Wiley would be banned from ringside during tonight’s main event. When Walter disputed this action with Austin, he found himself on the receiving end of a Stone Cold Stunner. Charles Barkley applauded Stone Cold, but found himself floored by a Stunner as well. Kicking off the main portion of the show, Rey Mysterio put his storied Cruiserweight Championship reign on the line against alleged rival Daivari and Just Christian, the man who was forced to relinquish the title by technicality. Predictably, the Triple Threat contest more closely resembled a Handicap match for a heavy duration of the match-up. However, the turning point came whenever Just Christian planted Rey Mysterio in the center of the ring with the Unprettier. The quick-witted Daivari propelled Christian from the ring and covered Mysterio to become the new Cruiserweight Champion. In another lopsided event, the World Tag Team Titles were put up for grabs by The Mullet Club against the equally-infamous El Muchachos. Despite their adoration by the fans, Carlito and Chavo have never been above bending the rules to their advantage. However, the terrible trio of Macho Man, Scott Hall, and Scott Steiner, despite their recent dysfunction, had half-blind referee Herb Hebner on hand to call the action. Similar to his last appearance, Hebner was none the wiser to the antics of The Mullet Club as they kept all chicanery out of his field of vision. He did, however, catch El Muchachos attempting to even the odds on a number of occasions and reprimanded them accordingly. In the end, the numbers game was too much for Carlito and Chavo to keep up with and The Mullet Club continued their dominant reign as champions. Up next, Sheamus defended the United States Championship in a Sinister Six-way match against Big Show, Wrestler: Unstoppable, Nateflix, Muhammad Hassan, and Wing. However, the luck of the Irish clearly was outmatched by the unlucky 13 of the Fest when Sheamus was the first of the six to find himself eliminated from the match. This would guarantee that a new champion would be crowned. The bad blood between the Secret Agent Man and SPOOK’s figurehead boiled over and prevented either of them from claiming the gold, as well as Wing. Clearly embarrassed, Sheamus took out his frustration on the over-exuberant Nateflix with a severe beating on the outside of the ring. In a miraculous display, Muhammad Hassan managed to overcome the offensive onslaught dished out by Big Show and finally made good on his promise of taking his country back by winning the United States Title. In the most star-studded Money in the Bank Ladder match of all time, Ben Unhinged, Drew Thunder, The Red Head, and Intercontinental Champion Chance all duked it out for a golden opportunity at the World Heavyweight Championship. After a fast-paced, ladder-laden war for the briefcase, things came to a crashing halt as The Red Head toppled a ladder holding Ben Unhinged and Drew Thunder to the outside of the ring. The Vitriol Vigilante would then climb the ladder and take hold of the contract that guaranteed him a shot at SvR06’s top prize. After months of costing each other main event opportunities, Brock Lesnar finally came head-to-head with The Kings of Crime. However, Ricardo Diaz had a plan in store for Lesnar. Not only would he have to take both he and The Kingpin on, he had his partner-in-crime put through extensive MMA training in order to turn him into the ultimate fighting machine. Whether it was the two-on-one advantage or the Kingpin’s new skillset, the plan proved effective as The Kings of Crime overcame Lesnar thanks to one of Fisk’s crippling bearhugs. After much speculation in the weeks leading up to the event, Kurt Angle would step into the ring with Mark Jindrak for their Submission match against the advice of his doctors. The two technicians put on the most athletically-sound match of the evening, with both keeping their guard up against each other’s respective submissions. However, due to Angle’s heightened protection of his knee, he neglected to guard the rest of his body with the same diligence. In the end, it was Angle’s injury that led to his downfall but not necessarily in the way that he may have anticipated. After he was put through a table by Batista during a press interview, The Rock implored Stone Cold to change his match for the evening to a Tables match so that he could return the favor. Austin did so, but advised that The Rock not make him regret it. Perhaps The Rock let his emotions get the best of him, because in a matter of moments, he found himself being driven through a splintering wooden table via a Batista Bomb. If Hollywood wasn’t listening to Batista before, they most certainly will be now. In what was guaranteed to be the most violent match of the night, J-Pac squared off against Cactus Jack under Hardcore rules. Just as he’d promised, Mick Foley left his humanity at the door and reverted entirely to his most deranged of mentalities. Putting aside his feelings on high-risk wrestling, J-Pac matched his rival’s lack of regard for safety without hesitation. What he found, however, astonished him. In a frightening display of defiance, the fabled King of the Deathmatch refused to stay grounded in spite of the numerous blows from steel chairs, barbed-wire 2x4s, steel steps, and various other career-altering plunder. Even a J-Factor straight to the concrete floor wasn’t enough to stop Cactus Jack from getting up for more. Eventually, J-Pac would land enough of his patented maneuver to keep this hardcore hellion down for the count of three. But as J-Pac walked away, sporting the scars of war, Cactus Jack got back up and begged him for more. J-Pac considered it for a moment, but his temporary mentality subsided just in time for his own reason to take hold and lead him back through the curtain. The Dark Luminary against The Lord of Darkness. The Undertaker’s thirst to remain the greatest force In SvR06 led him this showdown with Dynamite Derek. The two exerted their dominance early on, with Dynamite kicking out of a Tombstone Piledriver and Undertaker kicking out of Boom Goes The Dynamite. With neither man willing to give an inch, the turning point came in the form of Kane. As he’d been shadowing Dynamite Derek for months and doing his bidding without any provocation, many assumed he would provide an assist that would change the course of this evenly-matched battle for SvR06’s resident superhero. However, in a shocking twist, Kane turned his attention to Dynamite Derek and realigned himself with The Undertaker to secure him the victory and his throne. Uglier than divorce court, it was the battle for Hulkamania. In one corner stood Linda Hogan and Chris Jericho, with Nick Denton in tow. In the other, Hulk Hogan and Arrested Developmental’s newly-christened Women’s Wrestling Champion Samoan Joan. To help even the odds, Hogan’s fellow SvR06 Hall of Famer Ultimate Warrior. Things seemed to be well in hand for Hulk’s team in this mixed tag team match. However, due to his overzealousness, Ultimate Warrior was ejected from ringside. With nobody to keep Denton at bay, the former head of Gawker was allowed much more free-range to interject himself into the action. In arguably the biggest upset of all time, Chris Jericho defeated Hulk Hogan to secure the exclusive rights to the Hulkamania property for Linda Hogan, leaving the fate of the beloved Hulkster in question. With Walter P. Wiley banned from ringside, DEFAULT defended the World Heavyweight Championship against the unpinned, unsubmitted, unstoppable, incomparable Shark in the main event of Diaz’s Fuck Fest XIII. After realizing that he had begun to transform into a monstrosity due to having The Shark’s DNA used as part of his radical gene therapy, DEFAULT was left with a decision. Succumb to the beast within in order to defeat the beast before him or revert back to his true self and do things his way. After much pondering, DEFAULT decided to default back to his old self and do everything in his power to stop the mighty megalodon. However, as admirable as his decision may have been, DEFAULT was reminded throughout the course of the match that heroics can be a path to pain. Even without Walter’s physical presence, he could feel him relishing every debilitating blow and vicious bite that his monster dished out. After a hard-hitting effort that DEFAULT should take no shame in, The Shark won back the World Heavyweight Championship with a conclusive splat. Every year, Diaz’s Fuck Fest is the culmination of a year’s journey, tying every path together in a conclusive knot. The past twelve months, without question, was the year of The Shark.